The best revenge is premature balding
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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