I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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