Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I want to be your penis for a week.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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