no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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