I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
