She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
that may or may not have been my penis.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize