It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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