drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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