that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
