I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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