Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
