im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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