I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My liver just had a heart attack.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
