I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
if only i could text you this smell
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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