dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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