2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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