You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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