i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
