the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
how does that bad decision feel?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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