i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
