just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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