Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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