three words: i give head
three words: not that well
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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