i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
