Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
