Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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