Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
