Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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