My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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