omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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