Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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