I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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