Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
