I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
