Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
