this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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