i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize