so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
