You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize