That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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