I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
