Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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