I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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