Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
