Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
