my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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