then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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