our cab driver is having phone sex.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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