Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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