I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
