I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize