my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Rumble strips road head = magical
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
