Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
