In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
