So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
