Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
