If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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