In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
