Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
